12 July 2015

PROMPT:  Your email account accidentally receives an email intended for someone else, but with your same name.

Alison Frost, director/educator

Derek, 45, enters.  Michele, 42, is watching TV.
DEREK
I just got an email.
MICHELE
(muttering)
Aren’t you special.  I got seventy five before I finished my first cup of coffee.
DEREK
Stop shopping on line.
MICHELE
It’s the only place I can get what I need!
DEREK
Yea... We really needed that glow in the dark left nostril nose inhaler.
MICHELE
What?!
DEREK
Sorry.  Variation on an old Carlin joke.
Silence.
MICHELE
You got an email...
DEREK
To some guy named Derek McElhanney.
MICHELE
You’re some guy named Derek McElhaney.
DEREK
This guy’s a two “n” McElhanney.
MICHELE
Still could be you.  We’ve gotten plenty of mail...
DEREK
(interrupting)
... and email.
MICHELE
And email addressed to two “n” McElhanney.
DEREK
Well, that’s what I thought, so I read it.
MICHELE
It wasn’t for you?
DEREK
It wasn’t for me.
MICHELE
It was for some two “n” Derek McElhanney.
DEREK
It was for some two “n” Derek McElhanney.
MICHELE
Could you drag this out a little more?  Put it in your junk email and get on with your life.
DEREK
Apparently two “n” McElhanney got some young lady pregnant.
MICHELE
So forward the email to two “n” McElhanney and add a link to the Trojan condom website at the bottom.
DEREK
The young lady...
MICHELE
Does she have a name?
DEREK
Bernadette.
MICHELE
That’s a lovely name.  French, I believe.
DEREK
Now who’s holding up the parade.
MICHELE
Sorry.
DEREK
Bernadette, is going to have the baby...
MICHELE
Too bad for two “n.”
DEREK
You think she should have an abortion?!
MICHELE
It’s her right.
DEREK
I know it’s her right and if that’s what she wants...
MICHELE
She’s not going to have an abortion.
Silence.
DEREK
No.
MICHELE
A single mom.
DEREK
Adoption.
MICHELE
Give the kid parents who really want him...
DEREK
... or her.
MICHELE
Okay.
Silence.
DEREK
(finally)
You don’t see the problem?
MICHELE
Mother’s being responsible.  Baby will be well taken care of...
DEREK
What about the father?
MICHELE
What about the father.
DEREK
He doesn’t know.
MICHELE
So send... oh...  I guess you have to write her back.
DEREK
I was thinking you could write her back.
MICHELE
Me?!  Why me?!
DEREK
Well, you’re a woman...
MICHELE
Thank you for still noticing, but what does that have to do with anything?
DEREK
I’m sure that she, Bernadette, would rather not have some middle-aged man writing her to discuss her bedroom mishaps...
MICHELE
Well, don’t discuss them.  Write “Yo bitch.  Wrong Derek.  I’m a one “n’er”.”
DEREK
That’s... so poetic, dear.
MICHELE
I thought so... My point is...
DEREK
I get your point.
Silence.
DEREK
What if she can’t find him?
MICHELE
That’s what lawyers and private detectives are for.
Silence.
DEREK
She seemed like a nice girl.
MICHELE
Why are we still talking about this?
Silence.
DEREK
We haven’t talked about it in a long time, Michele.
Silence.
MICHELE
You want to tell the girl, we will adopt her baby?
DEREK
Yes.
Silence.
MICHELE
You are such a sap.
DEREK
That’s why you married me.
Silence.
MICHELE
It’s expensive.
DEREK
We have money now.
MICHELE
We were going to travel.
DEREK
We can put that off ‘til we’re older.
Silence.
MICHELE
We probably can’t just say we’re going to adopt her baby and poof, we get to adopt her baby.
DEREK
I know... But if we don’t get her baby, there are plenty of other’s out there.
Silence.
MICHELE
We’ll write her together.
Silence.  Derek goes over to Michele and kisses her on the cheek.
DEREK
Thank you.
Michele rolls her eyes.
MICHELE
The things I do...
End of play.