Mystery-Bouffe 2017: A Comedy in Six Acts by James E. Burnside
Cast:
Young Woman - Writer/Producer/Commentator, African American
Unclean -
Machinist (Actor 1), male, Out-of-work, used to make small parts for an automobile plant in Ohio. Job outsourced to Mexico. Angry, hates Mexicans and all other immigrants. Urban poor. Build the Wall! Trump Supporter.
Farmer’s Wife (Actor 2), female, small town girl who has never known a black person. She’s afraid of them. Thinks they are all drug dealers. Too many of her friends have gotten addicted to opioids. Several have died, including her sister who dated a black man. She blames black people. Evangelical. Thinks gays are evil. Against gay marriage and abortion. Trump supporter.
Clean-
Banker (Actor 3), female, rich, fiscal conservative, but cultural liberal. Has a gay son that she is proud of. New Yorker. Acted and spoke as though she hated Trump, but secretly gave him money and voted for him.
College Professor (Actor 4), male, teaches literature, worries about climate change and the accumulation of wealth in the hands of few, supports the Native Americans, pro-abortion, anti-death penalty, peace activist. But all this is mostly supported by talking to her friends and re-posting stuff on social media. She’s to busy to actually get involved. Voted for Jill Stein.
Tech, African-American, nerd who provides sound effects and lighting and holds signs.
The only thing on stage is an empty table. Tech enters carrying a box loaded with props. Tech sets the box on the table and unloads and sets up as a Young Woman walks on stage. One of the things Tech sets up is a computer pad with a large count down timer set to 25 minutes, which he starts.
Tech displays a sign that says “Prologue”
YOUNG WOMAN
I have been told that...
(air quotes)
... “a play of this sort,” whatever that means, needs an introduction, a prologue...
(nodding toward Tech)
... if you will. Why I have been told that is... well, a mystery, I mean, your guess is as good as mine. Nonetheless, here I stand.
So what is...
(air quotes)
... “this sort of play?” The form is medieval, literally. Mystery plays were religious in nature and were traditionally performed in Latin. You can thank Pope Innocent the Third for ending that practice and thus today’s performance will be in the local vernacular. The original intention of such plays was to present some story from the Bible in a dramatic fashion. Often, they would travel by cart from town to town entertaining and educating the local population of farmers and shopkeepers. Eventually, and fortunately for us, these traveling shows from the larger Catholic churches of the land began to take liberties with the text. What had begun as the three Marys at the tomb of Jesus talking to the Angel about what had happened to the body of our Lord and Savior, degenerated into... well, non-scriptural claptrap, if not outright farce. Of course, the Holy Mother Church could not sanction such... such... irreverence with the Word of God.
I can see by some of your faces that the prospect of an evening of faithfully re-enacted scenes from the Bible is not why you came to the theatre this evening. In medieval times, such an evening would have been a joyous respite from the dreariness of day to day affairs, but in this Society of the Spectacle, where humans have walked on the Moon and Hi-Def Home Entertainment Towers of Babel are available at the push of a button, Biblical pageants have been rightly relegated to the children on Christmas Eve in front of their adoring parents sitting in the pews at their local house of worship.
(Silence, then quietly)
As it should be... Sorry.
(Silence, then with an effort appearing cheerful)
Tomorrow is the Big Day!
(forcing a smile)
A new beginning!
(silence, the smile falls from her face, then quietly)
I was born and raised in a small town in southern Pennsylvania. I would walk out into the park... the cemetery. It was quiet and peaceful.
(silence)
There’s only one buried there, so far as is known. Henry Gooden, of the 127th U.S. Colored Troops. He’s buried among the U.S. Regulars.
She exits. Tech steps forward and reads from his prompter’s script.
TECH
This evenings’ Artists-
The Unclean:
(Machinist enters and bows)
Machinist, male, Out-of-work, used to make small parts for an automobile plant in Ohio. Job outsourced to Mexico. Angry, hates Mexicans and all other immigrants. Urban poor. Build the Wall! Trump Supporter.
(Farmer’s Wife enters and bows)
Farmer’s Wife, female, small town girl who has never known a black person. She’s afraid of them. Thinks they are all drug dealers. Too many of her friends have gotten addicted to opioids. Several have died, including her sister who dated a black man. She blames black people. Evangelical. Thinks gays are evil. Against gay marriage and abortion. Trump supporter.
(beat)
The Clean-
(Banker enters and bows)
Banker, female, rich, fiscal conservative, but culturally liberal. A New Yorker. Has a gay son that she is proud of. Acted and spoke as though she hated Trump, but secretly gave him money and voted for him.
(College Professor enters and bows)
College Professor, male, teaches literature, worries about climate change and the accumulation of wealth in the hands of the few, supports the Native Americans, pro-abortion, anti-death penalty, peace activist. But all this is mostly supported by talking to his friends and re-posting stuff on social media. He’s to busy to actually get involved. Voted for Jill Stein.
The Actors exit.
Tech holds up a sign the says “Act I - Oath of Office”
Machinist walks out lifting his feet like he is walking through quicksand. He is followed by the Farmer’s Wife also walking through quicksand.
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
(alarmed)
Mud’s getting deep!
College Professor enters lifting his graduation gown as he wades.
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
(sniffing)
Don’t smell like mud to me.
Banker enters wading, lifting her trousers.
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
(horrified look on her face)
Smells like... like...
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
Bet she couldn’t say it if she had a mouthful of it.
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
(disgusted)
Is that... feces?!
FARMER’S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
(to Machinist)
You were right.
(to the Banker and College Professor)
It roses! Red, red roses.
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
Roses!? It’s roses!? It smells nothing like roses.
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
She’s lying to you! It’s not roses.
FARMER’S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
You’re both too clever for me. It’s shit. Alright. Cow shit, male cow shit, if my nose does not fool me.
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
And just what training have you had in identifying... fecal matter.
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
It ain’t fecal matter. It’s shit.
FARMER’S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
Spent my whole life on a farm. Ain’t dark enough for pig shit. Ain’t slippery enough for chicken shit, and if it were dog or human, it’d be lumpier.
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
Thank you for that... enlightening summary. But the type of... dung seems irrelevant. A more vital question is where is it coming from.
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
Appears to be coming up out of the ground.
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
That’s impossible! We are in a remote area. No sewer lines would run out here.
FARMER’S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
You and your friend here are idiots.
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
I’ll have you know I graduated in the top ten percent of my class at Columbia Business School...
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
(interrupting)
New York City, right?
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
Of course.
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
And I teach English Literature at the University of Southern California.
FARMER’S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
And yet, you’re still idiots.
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
I don’t appreciate that remark!
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
I do.
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
(to the Banker)
Let me handle this.
(Banker bows and beckons the College Professor forward)
My good woman, why do you call us idiots?
FARMER’S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
First, even if there were sewer lines out here, which there aren’t, they wouldn’t be carrying bullshit.
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
We only have your word about the kind of... of...
FARMER’S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
Second, look around.
Everyone looks around.
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
Yes?
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
Bullshit as far as the eye can see.
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
Miles and miles of... of...
FARMER’S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
It’s not a leak. It’s a flood. A flood of Biblical proportion.
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
We need to build an ark!
Tech holds up a sign that reads “Act II - Four Ruffles and a Flourish”
Tech hits button. Four ruffles and a flourish followed by a short version of “Hail to the Chief” play. Tech goes to each character, stands behind them, and shakes them violently as the music plays, dragging them to the middle of the stage where they muddle together.
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
(stepping to one side of the stage)
What’s happening?!
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
(stepping to the opposite side of the stage)
I know that sound! It is the sound of the wall separating Earth and the Pit of Fire being torn asunder! It has been smashed to the ground shaking the very firmament beneath our feet.
FARMER’S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
(joining the Banker)
What the hell is he talking about?!
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
(joining the Banker)
Earthquake.
FARMER’S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
Well why didn’t he say so?!
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
Because he’s likes to show off his education.
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
It is more than just an earthquake. The screaming multitudes are crossing the border, as we speak! We will be overwhelmed! Our culture, our world... my money, all the things I’ve worked for...
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
We need to rebuild the wall!
FARMER’S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
Those...
(air quotes)
... “screaming multitudes” pick the grapes in my orchard for your chardonnay.
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
The low wages they accept undercut the jobs from hard working people.
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
Jobs no one else wants to do like clean the toilets...
(pointing at the banker)
... in your bank.
(turning to the Machinist)
Are you gonna clean the toilets?
FARMER’S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
Or pick the crops!?
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
I’m skilled labor!
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
We have no idea who most of them are?! They could be drug dealers or rapists or... or...
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
... Jihadi Muslims disguised as Mexicans...
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
(interrupting)
... or Canadians!
FARMER’S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
Canadians? From the Pit of Fire?
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
There was ice in Dante’s Inferno as well as fire, right?
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
Yea.
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
Canadians! Evil, evil Canadians!
FARMER’S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
You’re not really worried about... Canadians?
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
No... not really. I’m really worried about the... the refugees from the Africa.
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
And the Middle East.
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
Almost entirely women and children.
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
They’re not all women and children!
FARMER’S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
Questioned, documents checked...
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
Vetted.
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
But not extremely vetted.
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
What does that even mean?
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
You know...
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
Locked up for a long time before they can get into this great nation.
FARMER’S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
They have to wait nearly two years now.
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
(accusing Farmer’s Wife)
How do you know so much!?
FARMER’S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
My church has sponsored some Syrians and Somalis.
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
How can good Christians do that?!
FARMER’S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
How can good Christians not do that?
Silence.
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
(to College Professor)
And what’s your excuse? Intellectual elitism?
Silence.
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
Two of my great-great grandparents were Irish.
(beat, to Machinist)
Where is your family from?
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
My mother’s pussy.
Silence.
Tech holds up a sign “Act III - Inaugural Address: ‘A Little Straight Talk Among Friends’.”
Tech holds high a flashlight with a bright pink bulb (or some other bright pink light). Tech hits a button and a baby crying is heard for a few second. While the crying continues, Tech circles around the others pushing them to the middle of the stage.
Tech wanders near the edge of the stage shining the pink light at the Actors and audience.
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
(going to one side of the stage)
Makes it sound... furry and friendly...
(looking around)
Is it just me or has the light gotten a little weird in here.
FARMER’S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
(following Banker)
Like it will purr and rub itself on your leg. I prefer vagina.
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
(smiling, laughing)
Cunt. That’s what I call it. Cunt.
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
(going to the opposite side of the stage)
You would use the most disgusting term there is!
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
That word is so harsh! ... Light is kinda weird in here. It’s... pink.
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
If you use that kind of word, it’s because you are one!
BANKER
And there it is!
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
We’re just lucky some monthly bleeder isn’t taking office.
FARMER'S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
My vagina scares you, doesn’t it!
Young Woman marches out on stage and holds up her hand. The other actors are surprised.
YOUNG WOMAN
Stop! Just stop! Okay! Stop! Yea. Yea. Yea. We get it. Misogyny, bad. Post-Truth, bad. Building a wall, stupid. Trump evil, Clinton good. Got it.
The other actors stand around unsure what to do. Young Woman paces.
YOUNG WOMAN
This is not me. I am an old white man.
Silence. Pacing. The actors watch perplexed.
YOUNG WOMAN
What’s Trump going to do to me? ... Nothing.
Silence. Pacing.
YOUNG WOMAN
But I have daughters... They have last names like Rodriguez, Peña, Soto...
Silence. Pacing.
YOUNG WOMAN
At a recent meal I asked some of my daughters and their friends how many had family members who were undocumented. They all raised their hands. One young man, who calls me Dad said...
Young Woman looks at Machinist. Machinist looks confused. Tech slides over and hands Machinist a 3x5 card.
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
(stepping forward, clears throat, reads card)
I ain’t worried about him. Trump won’t bother my family. I’m trying to figure out how to be a Latino. I went to a ministry conference for young Latinos recently. I met a guy there a little older than me. He was dark... Dark skin, black curly hair. He said he hated the color of his skin... I’ve spent my whole life around white people. I don’t know anything about my own heritage.
While the above speech is going on, Tech goes to College Professor and Farmer’s Wife and hands them 3x5 cards.
After Machinist finishes and steps back, Young Woman looks at College Professor.
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
(stepping forward, reading card)
You’re more Latino than he is.
College Professor steps back confused.
YOUNG WOMAN
She actually said that to me. One of the young woman said that. I was sad and proud at the same time... I’ve tried to educate myself... but still... An old white man who knows more about Hispanic culture than a young man whose mother was born in Mexico and whose father went back to Mexico before he could walk. Democrat or Republican, Trump or Clinton, the problems are so much bigger...
Silence. Pacing.
YOUNG WOMAN
I picked up one of my, now, adult daughter’s to sign her up for birthing/parenting classes. I picked her up at her mother’s house...
(scoffing)
... house... An old single-wide that they rented from a man who lives in the trailer next door and who has filled the quarter acre lot with junked cars. A dozen junked dismantled cars in various states of rusting. My daughter had been in and out of foster care since she was little. Ended up back in foster care after her Tia’s house in Bastrop burned in the 2011 fire. She doesn’t have a high school diploma. She’s seven months pregnant. I asked her what she thought of the new president...
Young Woman looks at Farmer’s Wife.
FARMER'S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
(stepping forward, reading card)
I don’t give shit about him! He ain’t my biggest problem right now! I need to get out of my mama’s house. She keeps tellin’ Jamal and me that we gotta pay for this and we gotta pay for that. She needs to get a job! She could get her old job back, but she won’t. And my sister lives with us and she doesn’t have a job. She just keeps getting pregnant and having kids...
Farmer’s Wife steps back.
Silence. Pacing.
YOUNG WOMAN
It’s hard to write this. It sounds... We... we should just go back to the play.
Young Woman exits. The Actors look at each other, confused.
Tech steps forward.
TECH
Women on this side...
(directs Farmer’s Wife and Banker back to the side of the stage they were on before)
And the men...
(directs Machinist and College Professor to the other side of the stage. He looks at Banker)
Your last line was “My vagina scares you...”
FARMER'S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
Right, right...
(loud)
My vagina scares you, doesn’t it!?
Everyone looks at Banker who doesn’t seem to realize it is her line.
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
It’s... my line?
TECH
(whispering )
Bitch.
Tech moves closer to Actors and shines pink light at them more directly.
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
That’s right...
(gathers herself)
Next you’ll be calling me a bitch!
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
Only if you act like one!
(looking around)
Does seem to be getting pinker in here?
The Actors turn toward the light.
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
It’s like were being dragged by a giant black... hole, except it’s pink!
FARMER'S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
Like the whole planet is swirling toward a rupture in the space time continuum!
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
A pink rupture! I find it kind of comforting.
FARMER'S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
Me, too.
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
You girls are sick!
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
Girls!? I haven’t been a girl for thirty years.
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
I do not want to be swallowed by some giant pink gash in the sky! Looks like a giant pink...
FARMER'S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
The word is vagina!
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
... looks like a giant...
Tech turns off the light.
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
(pointing at College Professor and Machinist)
You two are scared of us, scared of women, aren’t you?!
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
Women don’t scare me, as long as they know their place.
FARMER'S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
Bare foot, pregnant, and in the kitchen.
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
Flat on our backs with our legs spread.
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
No, not... not spread , no... I know it’s irrational, but I always imagine teeth in... there.
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
And it’s not about women, it’s about jobs. There aren’t enough jobs...
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
... For women to be competing with men.
Tech holds up a sign that reads “Act IV - Congressional Luncheon”
Tech picks up a mouse/rat and scampers across the stage waving the rat around. Actors scurries to the middle the stage.
FARMER'S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
(trying to hide from the mouse behind Machinist)
Is that a... is that a rat!?
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
(dismissive)
I didn’t see anything.
Tech continues to scamper around stage. Each time he passes the table, Tech picks up another mouse/rat.
As the scene goes on he continues to scamper with rats.
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
It’s a plague of rats!
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
Well, don’t just stand there wring your hands, kill them!
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
You kill them!
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
That is not my job.
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
(to Machinist)
You’re unemployed. Your job is done by a robot that does it better than you ever did.
FARMER'S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
And that’s not fair.
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
What has...
(air quotes)
... “fair” got to do with it. Robots work 24 hours a day, seven days a week. They don’t take sick leave or vacations and one guy with a clipboard can keep a dozen of them running.
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
Machines putting people out of work is not right. People need to work.
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
So I have a job for you. Kill the rats.
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
It’s an ancient profession valued by kings and queens the world over.
FARMER'S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
And pays easily as much as being a Walmart greeter...
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
... with about as much dignity...
FARMER'S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
... My little town... Walmart’s chewed up it all up.
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
And who’s fault is that! I won’t shop there. I buy local.
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
Must be nice to be rich!
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
It is!
FARMER'S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
It’s an hour and a half drive to the nearest city. If your out of milk for the kid’s cereal or need an onion for the stew...
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
(snide)
Or want the cheapest shit China can spit out...
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
In your factory!
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
Free enterprise at it’s finest.
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
I’ve got kids that want to go to college.
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
If there not talented enough or smart enough to get scholarships...
FARMER'S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
(snide)
Or they’re not legacies or the children of millionaires...
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
... there are always loans.
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
A burden of debt that will keep them nibbling the crumbs of left by corporate America... If they can find a job.
FARMER'S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
... preventing marriage and child bearing...
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
... living in their parents basements until their forty.
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
And when they move out, you’ll whine that you miss them.
FARMER'S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
(beginning to cry)
You’re heartless.
Young Woman enters and circles the Actors angrily.
YOUNG WOMAN
And now you’ve made someone cry!
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
(sidles over to Young Woman, stage whisper out the side of his mouth)
She’s acting. We’re all acting... this is a play... that you... wrote.
Young Woman looks around at the audience and realizes she’s on stage. Her eyes get big and she starts to back off the stage on tiptoes.
YOUNG WOMAN
(embarrassed)
Sorry... I... I don’t cry enough. I make bad jokes and I rant and I act stupid... as you can... see, but I don’t cry... So when I see somebody crying... it... it... Sorry.
Young Woman exits.
Machinist turns to Tech.
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
Where were we?
TECH
Heartless, but... you were pretty much done with that scene.
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
So...
Tech holds up sign that reads “Act V - Presidential Procession” . Tech shows the sign to Actors. Actors smile. Tech looks at sign.
TECH
Shit. I hate this one.
Farmer’s Wife goes over to the table and takes a swamp monster mask out of a paper bag and puts it on Tech’s head. Tech stands glumly.
FARMER'S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
(stage whisper to Tech)
You’re supposed to attack.
TECH
(unenthusiastically)
Rawr.
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
Come on. Put your heart in it!
TECH
(still feeble but louder)
Rawr.
Tech raises a hand and makes a small clawing gesture.
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
(waving hands in the air)
Ack! It’s a swamp monster! Ack!
Tech shrugs and puts up both hands in claws and moves slowly to the middle of the stage.
TECH
Rawr.
Banker and College Professor go to one side of the stage and Farmer’s Wife and Machinist go to the other.
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
Rich versus poor again?
Tech stands in middle board, claws up, occasionally swiping the air weakly during the scene.
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
Bourgeoisie versus proletariats this time.
FARMER'S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
(indicating Tech)
And the creature from the black lagoon?
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
Swamp Monster.
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
So... Drain the swamp?
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
Washington D. C. is a cesspool.
FARMER'S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
Not a swamp?
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
Poor choice of words.
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
Swamp or cesspool?
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
Cesspool, moron.
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
Just because I’m pretending to be the workin’ man doesn’t mean I’m a...
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
Dumb ass... type casting.
Banker and Machinist move toward one another. Farmer’s Wife steps in the middle.
FARMER'S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
Alright, you two. That’s enough.
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
He’s been on me since we started rehearsing this... this...
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
...bit of buffoonery?
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
(moving to the College Professor)
And you and all your big words! I ain’t stupid! I know what your sayin’!
FARMER'S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
(to College Professor and Banker)
You two need to be nice to him! He’s just as important to this play as you are!
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
(pointing to the audience)
They understand! Your snobbery and holier than thou attitudes are why so many of us voted for him. We know he’s an idiot, but even if he fails to run the country the way it ought to be run, maybe he’ll get rid of assholes like ya’ll.
FARMER'S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
Drain the swamp!
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
Drain the Swamp!
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
Yea! Yea! Drain the Swamp!
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
Drain the swamp!
ALL
Drain the swamp! Drain the swamp! Drain the swamp!
TECH
And then refill it with bankers and racists and oil company execs and...
(mockingly throwing out his arms )
Group hug!
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
(holding Tech away)
Back off! I don’t do hugs!
Everyone steps back from Tech.
FARMER'S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
(to Tech, disgusted)
Liberal!
Tech pulls off monster head, sets it down on the table and picks up a sign that reads “Act VI - Inaugural Ball” . The Actor go to separate “corners” of the stage.
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
(in deep thought)
Just... what the hell do you thinks she’s trying to say?
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
Her who?
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
The playwright.
FARMER'S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
Well, she’s black. I’m sure it’s has some racial... somethin’.
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
Didn’t seem to be much of that in the script.
FARMER'S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
Must be in the subtext.
Silence.
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
We could ask her.
Silence.
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
I don’t know. What if we piss her off?
FARMER'S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
Why would that piss her off?
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
We’re white... she’s black...
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
Remember who we elected?
FARMER'S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
Oh yea...
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
If you were black, wouldn’t you be pissed off?
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
We elected someone who retweets the KKK.
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
Who’s appoints as his chief advisor the head of the largest alt-right website.
FARMER'S WIFE (ACTOR 2)
Alt-right being the new code for white nationalist.
MACHINIST (ACTOR 1)
Which was old code for racist...
BANKER (ACTOR 3)
Calls Mexicans rapists and murders.
COLLEGE PROFESSOR (ACTOR 4)
Makes fun of person with disabilities.
Young Woman comes out to center stage.
Tech holds up sign that reads “Black Lives Matter.” Tech Gives it to one of the Actors.
YOUNG WOMAN
(quietly)
It’s scary.
Tech slowly goes to Young Woman and hesitantly gives her a hug. Young Woman starts to cry. The Actors one at a time join the hug at center stage. After a few moments, Tech and Actors pull back from her. She holds out her arms to the audience.
YOUNG WOMAN
Group Hug!
Actors and Tech hold out their arms to the audience. The Director should come on stage and join the hug. Any actual techs who can be encouraged should come on stage and join the hug.
If people come from the audience and join the hug, great.
If the audience doesn’t join the hug, have the Actors go to someone they know in the audience and give a hug. Have them hug anyone who will allow, but never force a hug on anyone.
After a the hugging is nearing an end, Young Woman steps to center stage.
YOUNG WOMAN
(wiping tears from her eyes)
We have to finish the play now.
Audience and crew who came on stage should not be shooed off. Allow them to stay. Encourage them to stay.
YOUNG WOMAN
I was listening to NPR this morning... that would be the morning this was actually written... in December.
(Tech holds up a sign that reads “Soul Force” He gives it to one of the Actors. Young Woman takes her cell phone out of her pocket)
This is a weapon. A man from the U.S. Government said so. Information has been weaponized.
(Tech holds up sign that reads “We are seeds” Gives it to an Actor.)
We have to understand this. The man who will be President tomorrow understands this.
(Tech holds up a sign that reads “Darkness cannot drive out darkness.” Gives it to an Actor.)
I want to say something like, keep your chin up, things could be worse, you could live in Aleppo... But pain is pain. Yea, there are worse things than having Donald Trump as President of this country.
(silence, she shakes her head, then quietly)
Gratitude list: My family, my friends, my dog, other great artists like those who took a risk this evening... who took a risk on me... and ya’ll...
Young woman indicates the audience. She holds out her hands and everyone on stage joins hands.
YOUNG WOMAN
Serenity prayer?
Everyone except Tech joins hands. Tech refuses.
TECH
I won’t let this play end with some kumbaya bullshit! Fuck Trump! But you know what! He’s not the problem! He’s not the fucking problem.
(beat, calming)
The problem...
(beat)
... half the people in this country voted against... me. They voted against me. I’m young, I’m black, and they said ‘the American Dream is not for you.’
(beat)
The American dream is not for you.
Tech wanders off stage.
Everyone looks around and slowly everyone lets go of each other’s hands. Heads bowed they slowly wander off stage.
After a moment, Tech comes back on stage.
TECH
(slightly embarrassed)
I’m... I’m in charge of clean up.
Tech packs up and holds up a last sign that reads “When they go low, we make art.”
End of play.
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