David Copelin, playwright/dramaturg/
Nancy, 27, carrying a purse, stands on stage confronting Ben, 28.
Ben reaches for Nancy amorously, but Nancy knocks his advance aside.
NANCY
No!
BEN
What do you mean, no?!
NANCY
No, period.
BEN
What?!
NANCY
Let me explain it to you. No, is a complete sentence. I put the period at the end so you would understand that it is ...
(air quotes)
... “the end of the sentence and the end of the discussion.”
BEN
You can’t be serious! I took you to a nice dinner. We had wine...
NANCY
(interrupting)
You had wine.
BEN
It was still a nice dinner!
NANCY
(annoyed)
Lovely.
BEN
We went to a play...
NANCY
Hard to call that piece of tripe a play. It was certainly words strung together that...
(air quotes)
... “actors,” and I use the term loosely, spoke out loud on stage. But the words were jibberish...
BEN
(interrupting)
It was surrealism!
NANCY
Whatever.
BEN
It was a play!
NANCY
Fine. It was a play.
BEN
We went to a play and then we went to the newest bar in town...
NANCY
(muttering)
God, I hate hipsters.
BEN
... And we had drinks!
NANCY
You had drinks.
BEN
You drank.
NANCY
Water. Tap water.
BEN
You drank water?! I thought it was vodka.
NANCY
Water.
BEN
Why would you drink water?!
NANCY
I like water. It is the basic stuff of life on this planet. Water is good for you. Perhaps you should try it.
BEN
That bar has the latest in Lebanese drinks. They use fresh herbs in... in... everything!
NANCY
Fine, if I ever go back to that bar, I will get a sprig of mint in my... water!
Silence.
NANCY
I believe this is the end of our date.
BEN
No!
NANCY
Very good! A complete sentence, unfortunately, you do not get to decide.
BEN
The hell I don’t!
Ben steps toward Nancy, who avoids him and quickly pulls a hand gun out of her purse.
BEN
(seeing the gun)
That’s a... that’s a gun!
NANCY
Licensed and registered. And if you come at me again, I will shot you. I promise, I will only try and wound you, but, as I’ve never shot another human being before, and I’m nervous and rattled, I’m not sure what part of you I might hit, but rest assured, I will hit some part of you.
BEN
You... you wouldn’t?!
NANCY
Yes! Another complete sentence. I will shot you. Now...
(backing off stage)
... goodbye.
End of play.
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