David Copelin, playwright/dramaturg/
Ashley, 17, male, Darby, 16, female, Sidney, 17, female, Teagan, 17, male, sit on hard wood school chairs in a small circle.
ASHLEY
I call to order this meeting of P.W.H.T.G.N.N.
Blair, 17, female comes on stage.
BLAIR
Did you say P.W.H.T.G.N.N.?
ASHLEY
That’s right, P.W.H.T.G.N.N.
BLAIR
What the fuck does P.W.H.T.G.N.N. stand for?
DARBY
People Who Hate Their Gender Neutral Name.
SIDNEY
I hate that name.
TEAGAN
More than Sidney?
SIDNEY
Hey! Sidney is better than Teagan.
TEAGAN
Or Ashley.
DARBY
(sadly)
Or Darby...
BLAIR
Darby?! That is an awful name.
DARBY
Especially for a girl. All anybody ever thinks of is...
BLAIR
(interrupting, laughing)
Darby O’Gill and the Little People.
DARBY
(muttering)
I hate that movie.
SIDNEY
Everybody hates that movie.
Silence.
ASHLEY
(to Blair)
So what’s your name?
BLAIR
Do I have to say?
TEAGAN
Blair. Her name is Blair.
BLAIR
(muttering)
Shit.
SIDNEY
Definitely one of us.
ASHLEY
All in favor of admitting Blair to the club?
Everyone says “Aye.”
DARBY
Welcome to the P.W.H.T.G.N.N.
BLAIR
That name really does suck.
TEAGAN
All in favor of changing the name of the club?
Several start to raise their hands.
ASHLEY
(cutting of the vote)
That’s new business. First we have to discuss old business.
SIDNEY
What old business?
ASHLEY
Anybody kill their parents?
BLAIR
What?! Kill your parents!?
DARBY
Don’t tell me you’ve never thought of it.
BLAIR
Well, sure, but...
TEAGAN
(jumping up)
I’m going to sneak into their room late one night, with a big butcher knife...
Teagan pretends to sneak around with a knife held high overhead, then mimes stabbing down over and over again making grunting and gasping sounds.
SIDNEY
I’m going to sit on the sofa. I’ll have dinner, a really good dinner, cooking on the stove and smelling up the whole house with delicious odors. I’ll sit on the sofa with a gun and when they come in from work, I’ll let them have a moment to smell the food, then I will shoot them... not in the head or heart, but in the leg first. When their down I’ll walk over to them and say, “Smells good, doesn’t it?” then I’ll shoot them in the head.
DARBY
I’m going to wait ‘till my mom takes her before bedtime bath. She loves it when I come in and talk to her. She pulls the shower curtain so I can’t see her naked and we talk. I’m going to bring her clock radio in with me. We’ll talk for a few minutes. She’ll tell me she loves me. I’ll plug in the clock and drop it in the water. Zzzzzzzzzzit.
Darby spasms and twitches like she’s being electrocuted.
BLAIR
What about your dad?
DARBY
He’s already dead.
BLAIR
I’m... I’m sorry.
DARBY
(wicked smile)
I’m not.
Silence.
ASHLEY
I want it to be slow. I want them to suffer. Suffer the way I’ve suffered.... Poison. Poison in their martini’s. Something that makes them nauseous and sick, makes them puke til they can’t stand anymore.
BLAIR
Won’t they just call for an ambulance?
ASHLEY
It won’t be their first martini, it’ll be a Friday night, their fourth martini. I’ll take their keys and their phones and if they try to leave, I will beat them back with a frying pan.
Silence.
TEAGAN
What about you Blair?
BLAIR
Well, I haven’t worked out all the details yet...
SIDNEY
We’ll help.
BLAIR
I want to put sleeping pills in their food and when they go to bed, I want to... choke them somehow.
SIDNEY
You could slip plastic bags over their heads and rubber band them in place.
DARBY
Rubber bands will never work.
ASHLEY
But zip ties...
BLAIR
(an evil smile)
Yea... zip ties...
End of play.
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